


Firefly

by lythacore



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Awkward Garrus Vakarian, Blood, Custom Shepard (Mass Effect), Earthborn (Mass Effect), Eventual Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, F/F, F/M, Garrus Vakarian is a Good Friend, Jealous Garrus Vakarian, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Minor Shepard/Liara T'Soni, No Shepard without Vakarian, POV Female Character, POV Garrus Vakarian, PTSD, Paragade (Mass Effect), Pre-Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Shakarian - Freeform, Shepard (Mass Effect) has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Slow Burn, Violence, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-01-25 19:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18581392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lythacore/pseuds/lythacore
Summary: Captain Anderson added me to his crew this year. I can say there is no greater honor than working with him. He’s damn near legendary in my books. There’s a rumor he was considered for Spectre status, which is above and beyond anything any other human has done for us. I hope to learn a lot from him.Rating will go up later. A collection of journal entries and logs of Shepard's personal thoughts and encounters as she deals with "the squids".





	1. Page 403

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nihlus has been following me.

Page 403  
Nihlus has been following me. I'm surprised a Spectre would be so obvious. Every time I turn around, he's there. He's an attractive Turian, but I'd bet a whole hog's ass that he wasn't following me for the view. It makes this whole "shake down run" garbage stink to high hell. Anderson won't look me in the eye. He always does. He's transparent when he lies.

No amount of dope from Joker makes it easier to digest, either. He shouldn't parade his suspicions so openly, but I learn new things about him every day. Like his favorite kind of porn. That was an unfortunate day. I act completely and utterly professional with absolutely everyone, but it was impossible to disagree with Joker's thoughts. He's not wrong.

I met Kaidan earlier when he was added to the Normandy crew. I'd heard about him before the mission; we'd exchanged coms back and forth. Pleasantries. He's much more personable in… person. His letters come across too crisp and professional for how I like to get to know the crew, but I knew to get the commander promotion meant I needed to command respect. Kaidan's good looking, too. Something about his face. I can see his kindness. And damn, what a voice. A good voice gets me going. I just like to appreciate people, okay? People are one of only two things I'm good at. The other is my shotgun.

Anderson handpicked everyone for this mission. I'd worked with him before, many times, and he officially added me to his crew a few years back. Back on Earth, I think my uncle would be proud if he knew. We don't speak anymore, but he did his best by me, even if it was little.

I need to go check in with Joker on the bridge. We have to be getting close to Eden Prime.


	2. Vid log 468

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both begin to leave the frame to investigate, but not before Shepard looks back – locking eyes with the camera. Her brows rise and her thick lips part. I think she’s relieved. 
> 
> Am I overanalyzing?

Commander Shepard is standing by a wounded Turian. He’s mean looking, and I know I’ve seen him before. His name is on the tip of my tongue, as the humans say. I check my references real fast to confirm the suspicion – his name’s Nihlus Kryik. A Turian spectre. Whoever wounded him is out of the frame. If the table didn’t look so damn flappable, maybe I wouldn’t want to trash it. 

“Are you alright? How bad is the injury?”

“I’m fine. The gunshot barely nicked me.” His subvocals are annoyed. He was never known for keeping his cool in a difficult situation. Especially if it’s the betrayal he proposed to the Council. His own mentor tried to shoot him from the back in cold blood. Actions of a _coward_.

Shepard tries to help him up, but he brushes her off and stumbles up on his own. Shepard’s upper lip curls over her teeth and her brows pull together over her eyes – her purple eyes; I wonder if she’s that transparent, or if she has something else on her mind. 

“You’re welcome. Hey – is someone there?” She cuts herself off to shout towards something off camera. It must be the dock worker in her report. They both begin to leave the frame to investigate, but not before Shepard looks back – locking eyes with the camera. Her brows rise and her thick lips part. I think she’s relieved. 

Am I overanalyzing?

This investigation is trashing me. Shepard’s report indicated that a dock worker reported the name as Saren, and Nihlus’ report confirms her own personal report, yet I have no damn evidence – real evidence that c-sec will accept – to indicate him. Saren’s the Council’s top agent, and it’d take more than words to revoke the powers that be.

I shove myself out of my chair and it swirls and swivels away helplessly, stopping only when it bumps my cubicle wall. I just barely hear it; I’m already gone.


	3. Page 438

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My armor was fine the way it was. It matched my eyes.

Nihlus doesn’t like my armor. Black and purple has long been my style. It goes well with my eyes. Damn, his colors go well with his, too, though. So, he gave me new armor. It’s black and red. Like his. I’m supposed to wear it out on the mission, especially since we saw… whatever that weird robot hand ship thing was. I saw his mandibles twitch. 

Turians have some of the most interesting conversational modes I couldn’t have thought of. The way their faceplates move, the subtle tones in their voice that indicate their feelings… the ones I just can’t read really. Other Turians can hear it clear as day, maybe some Asari understand after time. I know it wasn’t that unusual for Turians and Asari to bond. What was unusual was Turians and any other race. Like humans. Bad blood. The First Contact War. Alien from us. Fascinating.

I have an awful feeling about what we saw on that vid. Something flares up in my very bones, makes me feel like a trapped animal when I saw it move. I don’t really know what to compare it to – a squid? A hand? I’d like to call it a squid ship, make a joke out of it. My humor would be macabre, to say the least. My instincts were lit on fire. It felt raw. Like I was staring at death.

“What kind of power could a ship like that possess?” Nihlus asked himself on the way out. I tried not to stare at him. Now that’s a mortifying thought. I controlled my erratic breathing. This mission did just get a lot more complicated. I race down the halls to get down to the cargo bay and collect my guns. The good old mako is parked there, and I offer it a cursory glance of respect – and fear – before I run back up to collect Alenko and Jenkins.


	4. Page 441

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mission journal report on page #441.

The mission went poorly, to say the least. Nihlus was almost killed by Saren. He let his guard down, and if I hadn’t crested that hill in time to shoot it out of Saren’s talons, he’d be dead right now. He’s honest and thankful, but I don’t know what this means for us. 

I’m protegee, he’s mentor – yet he doesn’t quite act the way I would expect a mentor to act. He can be brutal, cold, calculating – that’s what I’ve heard. What I have experienced, though, is honorable and down-to-Earth. He keeps his distance from me interpersonally, but he’s always admirable. 

Dr. Chakwas patched up the bullet wound on his shoulder quick. Medigel is a miracle. Without it, I’m worried he might have bled to death on the field. Gods forbid that that would happen to me, not just because I would lose the best source of knowledge I have right now, but also because I would be blamed. Losing Jenkins was hard enough, and I knew the boy better than Nihlus.

Nihlus has been distant since we got back. I mean, I guess it’s hard to be close when you’re in the med bay. Still, I expected something more, I guess. 

Annnd there goes my email. Nihlus wants to meet in the com room, alone.


	5. Vid Log 491

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have raw potential that people would – have – died for.” Transcription log viewed by Anonymous392845.

“The mission was a bust. You lost a soldier on the field, and Saren…”

“He went ahead of me.”

“Command more respect with your troops, then, Commander.” Nihlus’ mandibles flare.

Shepard sighs in frustration, shaking her head and gripping the railing of the com room. She hangs her head, and Nihlus approaches her. He puts his palm on her shoulder, “No one likes someone dying under their command. There are always ways we must improve, Commander.”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I know it was my fault.” Shepard nodded, and stood straight, looking to Nihlus.

“I prefer to work alone because I am not the best at command. You have a knack for it. You’re a strong force. You have raw potential that people would – have – died for. It’s why I chose you.” 

“We still need to talk about that.”

“There’s not much to say.” Nihlus admitted, dropping his hands out and to his sides in what looks like to be a Turian shrug. “You came highly recommended. I watched the vids of you. I read about Elysium. I saw your background. I heard about your interpersonal skills and abilities, and then I studied them. I put your name forward.”

Shepard nodded after a moment. “Alright.” A deep breath. “Alright. So we’re doing this? Me and you. Mentor and mentoree. I’ll be a Spectre.”

“Yes. It goes forward. You confirmed my suspicions in action.” He paused, and she looked up to him. They stared at each other for long moments. His mandibles twitched. “Shepard… thank you. For saving my life.”

“You’re welcome.”

I shut the terminal down. He’s right. She’s a powerful woman.


	6. Page 496

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapters will be changing a bit in style as I begin replaying the game today. I'll still have logs, journal entries, etc., but I want to include some longer third person POV chapters that detail more about what's going on behind the scenes. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone that has been reading this - looking forward to writing more. please let me know your thoughts and comments!

Nihlus is out of med bay. He’s always there when I turn around. He watches me like a hawk. There’s a new thing added: he makes comments on my posture, the way I hold myself. They’re generally kind, and he’s careful about how he teaches me. Sometimes – particularly if we are sparring – he is cutting, but he always tries to soothe the burn afterwards. Not that it really bothers me that much. He doesn’t know me. I know me.

He’s making me work hard for it. We’re almost to the Citadel to meet with the Council regarding Saren. Nihlus already is sure that c-sec won’t be able to bring up a proper case against him, even with our combined reports. Saren is their top agent. 

I can’t imagine how it must feel to be betrayed by your mentor. I can’t believe how much I’ve already become invested in my own relationship with my mentor – with Nihlus. If I had spent years with him, training, building that relationship, only for him to turn a gun to the base of my skull… I wish there was something I could do that would show Nihlus that he isn’t alone. 

I’ve never been to the Citadel before. And now they want me to be a top agent for them. I’ve only seen the Council on vids. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Anderson approves; he wants this for me, I know. I guess I’m just so used to wearing my navy blues, and this time I’m just going up there in my armor. Because it’s not about “us” with the spectres, it’s about “you”. You’re given your resources and told to get whatever job done, done. I’m hoping that I can convince the council about this threat I saw visions of. Whatever it is, Saren is behind it.


	7. Vid Log 497

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The commander has met agent Garrus Vakarian. Interesting subtle interactions noticed." Viewed by Anonymous392845.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A two-parter double chapter upload for today!

“Saren’s hiding something. Give me more time. Stall them!”

“Stall the council? Don’t be ridiculous. Your investigation is over, Garrus.”

A human. No - not just any human. Commander Shepard. He'd seen her on vids, he'd seen her during his investigation. A smooth step away from being closed down, his subvocals belayed the calm in his voice. 

“Command Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the investigation into Saren.”

Shepard nodded. “Come across anything I should know about?”

Garrus crossed his arms. A clear sign of his reservation about his performance in this investigation of his. “Saren’s a spectre. Most of his activities are classified. I couldn’t find anything solid. But I know he’s up to something. Like you humans say, I feel it in my gut.” His mandibles flared over that last word, and Shepard’s brows shot up. She noticed, even if she couldn’t quite catch the subvocals I could. 

“I think the council’s ready for us Commander.” Kaidan cut in, quick and tidy. No doubt, he noticed her expression and the intensity of her observation. She didn't notice why he cut in, though. I wonder if that made him bristle inside any.

“Good luck Shepard. Maybe they’ll listen to _you_.”


	8. Page 512

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You do it to do a job well done.”

Garrus Vakarian. A Turian detective with C-Sec. He straight up walked away from his desk job to pursue his investigation into Saren with Nihlus and I. Wrex Urdnot. A Krogan bounty hunter. Decided to stick along after our agreement over the fate of Fist. Tali’Zorah nar Rayya. A lively Quarian that put saving the galaxy above and beyond her mission, above the Flotilla. Nihlus wasn’t overly pleased with the number of people I’ve been picking up. 

With this evidence that Tali has, I have no doubt in my mind: the Reapers – whatever they are – are the real threat. Why Saren would do the things he’s done has apparently long been a source of confusion. Anderson before me, and now I question why he would do this. What sort of twisted logic could convince a man to work for a race that apparently wipes out all of life every 50,000 years? Even if the Reapers aren’t real – and I believe they are – it’s better to be safe than sorry, and Anderson knows that.

Why Udina doesn’t is beyond me. 

In light of Anderson’s relationship with Saren, the Normandy’s command was handed to me. It’s a big responsibility, and I can’t help the guilt I feel at Anderson losing his post and his ship to me. I’m supposed to be his XO – loyalty is a big concern to me. Instead, I took his ship to fly off into the unknown and hunt down Saren with Nihlus. I don’t express this any – I haven’t to anyone – it’s unprofessional. 

I like Wrex a lot. I know already we’re going to get on well. I’m glad he chose to stick around. Ashley has already expressed concerns about the aliens – by name, Vakarian and Wrex. I shut it down quickly. I enjoy Ashley and respect her, but that won’t be tolerated. I understand her concerns, but I invited them here, and they are welcome. 

Nihlus has been watching the way I maintain my crew. He finally pulled me aside to discuss it.

“I admire the way… you are handling your crew.” He admitted, working on a mod on his pistol. He didn’t look up, but I could hear the way his voice tilted up at the end. 

“Thank you. I’m just doing my job to the best of my ability.”

“Your ability is impressive. You handle yourself with great professionalism and care. You _care_ for your team. That’s important. It’s something I myself never learned to master.” The end of that sounded… regretful.

“Nihlus, I appreciate you.” I put in, looking up from my own work. He didn’t.

Silence fell over us.

“Your own ability is great. You work alone in a way I never could. I have always relied upon my team to carry on and through. They are my greatest motivation. But yours… yours is your work. The very job itself. You do it to do a job well done.”

“… Thank you, commander.”


End file.
